She/he waits for me. It has been too long. Way too long. We were the best of friends. I could take it out and play with it any time. I would practice for hours. We made beautiful noises, sometimes awful noises. It was a solid friendship of wood and steel and metal meshed with art and love and wonderful caress and power and obnoxiousness and sweet melody.
I would strap this thing on, like a musical erection…. I would strut, and buck, and work it like a crazy mother fucker. I would bend and crouch and ram it at who the fuck I liked. Because that was me. Just me. Tight jeans, fitted shirt. Attitude. Rebellious. Sexy. Dangerous.
Sing. I would sing. Get your mouth on the mic. Press your lips against the warm metal of a Shure SM58. A smell of smoky cigarettes, alcohol, saliva. Someone else’s saliva. Where had this microphone been? It felt, just a little bit, wrong.
All eyes on me. I owned the fucking room. Yes, but sometimes I ate humble pie too. Fuck up with this thing and you could crawl under a rock. Some of my best moments for sure, and some of my most vulnerable. Plug in, turn up the volume. That dirty hum of an idle pick up. Turn a little and the feedback hum grows. Pick and strum. Overdrive. Omg, overdrive. The stuff of rock and roll.
The bass and drums groove and the venue’s sound system pumps this shit out at plus fort volume. You can do so much with just a guitar, bass and drums. It is the essence of rock and roll. Add some keys and voila. Fuck yeah! She/he is a demanding instrument. Get it right, and you’re a rock star. Fuck it up, and you look like an amateur, all in the space of a heart beat.
Better practice, hard son.
I got her/him out the other day. Caress the curves. A half committed polish of in discriminant parts. Smell, feel, taste. Remember.
I will be back for you, and I know you still love me. Not like that human love that gets all kind of fucked up but a real kinda there-when-you’re-ready love, like a willing musical whore.
Hi Bloggers, yah, as the title goes, this is probably going to be part coaching, part reflection and a healthy dose of bullshit. So here we go…
This year, as I mentioned earlier, has been a turn around year for me. It started very tentatively with a lot on the line and some major changes. I have made it successful so far, and will continue to do so. It’s all about attitude.
One of the most liberating parts of my journey is that I have met and found people that have been very gracious, very kind, very understanding and empathetic. If the environment that I came from was one of judgement and criticism, it was enormously refreshing to discover that that is not the currency everywhere. I have been humbled by the way I have been treated when I set foot into the world.
So in my journey, I found a place in the world. I met new people. I was taken in, physically, spiritually, emotionally. I have been sheltered and nurtured. I have been listened to and heard. I have been given the opportunity to rebuild and heal. What a wonderful gift. I will always be grateful for this.
At a point, however, you ask yourself what your really important life values are. Are those in your world on the same page? Do they need to be? How much can you accept about the differences with others? Do you compromise your feelings to maintain harmony, or are you setting yourself up for a long term disappointment?
These are the thoughts that keep the hamster on the wheel in my mind lately. I recently heard from a friend, who referred me to the concept ‘if it’s not fuck yes, then it’s no’. Great concept I think. You could really whittle down the things in your life that are not ‘fuck yes’ and live in a very lean way. But for me, I think its a dangerous proposition, because, well, what if I’m not ‘fuck yes’ about something that is still very dear to me? Even in the ‘fuck yes’ philosophy it allows you time to gauge the situation, to adapt, to adjust, and to accept and decide.
If I said no to everything that wasn’t ‘fuck yes’, then I’d be really just limiting myself to um, I dunno, gym and yoga. Everything else is ‘ok yeah sort of fuck yes sometimes.’ But that’s life, right? It can’t be just a series of awesome experiences, like the bullshit some people post on fb.
I read somewhere else – something that probably popped up on insta or fb, it said something like ‘just let life happen,’ or words to that effect. I think that that is a good strategy, for now at least.
Having said that, here’s my outlook:
I’m saying no to negativity. If you want to be miserable, ok, that’s your prerogative. I will support where I can, but not at the expense of my health.
I am letting go of people who do not hold me dear. Unfortunately, this includes some of my flesh and blood. I will be here if and when they need me.
I will put myself first. I won’t do this at the expense of others, but where I have an option, I will consider myself first, and be affirmative in my choices.
I will continue to have an open heart and an open mind, because these are truly beautiful things.
I will be available to those who want my support, and value my input. I will share what I can with those who need my help.
Hi Bloggers, it has been a year since I started this crazy, occasionally scary, daring, stupid, emotional, regrettable, fun, inspiring, embarrassing, arousing, and sometimes baring roller coaster called “The Random Blog of Irreverent Thoughts.”
Ok, so the blogging itself wasn’t so scary etc. but life, during that time has had enormous ups and downs. There is no doubt about it, my life looks completely different today from when I started my blog.
For this piece, I’m going to interview myself, as there is no one here to interview me, and in any case they aren’t about to write in my blog, so please, bear with me!
Mr Random: So why did you start?
Moi: Great question, thank you. I think I’ve always enjoyed writing. I read a book about a guy who started a blog – he was into building a fitness empire or whatever, that was never my thing. I just wanted to write and reach out to people. Also, it provided a kind of chronology, a semi public journal if you will, and in this I documented a lot of my most personal experiences.
Mr Random: What motivates you?
Moi: Well, I have been inspired by a lot of great photo blogs, but for me, that would not have floated my boat on its own, I wanted a photographic, travel meets residential collection of stories, an erotic literary playground, a fitness room, relationship clinic, etc. Really, I just want to be me, and to be accepted by the world.
Mr Random: What have you learned?
Moi: Nothing. No, wait, um. For me, its a realisation that your blog can affect people, even if you didn’t ask them to read it, or preferred that they didn’t. I mean people close to you. If you are writing shit about latest handbags and your resort stay in Thailand, no one is going to be upset by that. If you write about stuff you’ve done and feelings that you have, and that doesn’t jive with those closest to you, be prepared to take some shit!
Mr Random: All those pictures – what was that about?
Moi: Ok, this interview is getting sticky, who made up the questions, anyway? Ok, honestly, I’m an open book. That kind of means that I am proud of my body and a bit of a poser. I enjoy showing it off. There. It’s just the human body. People have enjoyed it in sculptures, film, theater, strip clubs and other seedy places. Let’s just celebrate being human.
Mr Random: What’s your favourite thing to blog about?
Moi: Well I like writing about everything. Photography, travel, sexuality, emotions, experience, animals, cooking. I’m a bit all over the shop.
Mr Random: Do you worry that your readership (as small as it is!) might be confused or even alienated by your apparent ability to genre jump?
Moi: Yes, sometimes, but also I find one dimensional blogs a bit sort of, one dimensional.
Mr Random: Any regrets?
Moi: No. This is me. It’s take it or leave it. Hopefully someone out there can appreciate the craziness and beauty in what I do. If not, then it’s a great outlet for me.
Ok, hi Bloggers. I hope you are all well. Today, I want to talk about marriage, and divorce. When we are married, and much in love, the mere concept of being divorced, and all that it entails scares the living shit out of us…. Yoda says it right:
Wait, I’m not actually divorced. I’m legally separated. Separated in space (two continents with the Pacific Ocean between us). Yet, connected. Financially, biologically with children, in name, with 23 years of in-erasable history between us. That stuff is never going to wash out. It’s in the past. It’s done.
But is it really all that bad? Well, yes, and erm, no.
So where I was some months ago – if you troll my blog history you can see it all laid out in technicolor detail, was not a good place. That was when I was married. I had been married for about 18 years, and with my marriage partner since 1993. If you don’t remember 1993 its either because you weren’t born yet, or it was so long ago.
1993, hmmm. Nirvana were killing it. Paul Keating returned in a second term as Aussie Prime Minister, Bill Clinton got his sax out to celebrate taking the reins from the first George Dubya Bush, and a bunch of other way-back stuff was happening. I was a young buck of 19. There was no internet, cell phones were like bricks, and technology was pretty simple compared to where we are today.
So where am I going with this?
There’s so much judgement and puritanical shit about marriage as an institution, and to go against the grain, to challenge that institution, depending on the tolerance of your community, family and partner can be perceived as the worst thing in the world, ever. Ever!
From the dark side, I give you, the divorced guy’s state of the nation:
It’s really not that bad!
I’m broke, lol. But who cares, because I didn’t have any money when I was married, and at least I get to control my bank account now, lol.
I run my own schedule. It’s like being an adult, but now you have to actually plan your own shit, like bills and things. Previously, I just earned the money, and she spent it, or stressed about how we were going to pay bills.
I go where I want to go, when I want to go, and generally don’t have to check if that’s like ok, with everyone else. Awesome!
I don’t have anyone to blame if my apartment isn’t clean, and I’m not stepping over anyone else’s crap. Pure bliss.
I have my own place. My. Own. Place. OMG what an awesome concept!
It’s quiet. Can you imagine?
But its not all beer and skittles. No, no, no!
I miss my kids. I don’t get to see them, and I talk to them maybe once a week, for a few sentences on the phone. They are on the other side of the world. They couldn’t be any further away. I don’t know when I will see them next.
The relationship with my children is extremely strained. Due to my biological disposition as a man, thus being the breadwinner etc, I went to work, while my ex stayed home. This meant that she got to be with them to get them ready for school, pick them up, and was there while I travelled for work. During this time she had their ear, and of course they were influenced by the tone of her perspective. So when she chose to leave, she took the kids.
I want to repair the damage, and I hope that the passage of time allows us all to come to terms with each other.
Lawyers. A necessary evil. A weapon of mass expense. I dare not say the hourly price my lawyer charges to quibble about who-owes-who-what. It’s scary, and stupid. It’s not that I don’t like my lawyer as a person, but I just hate the thought of burning through hundred dollar bills to establish BASIC SHIT. Spending money I don’t have. Dumbest concept ever.
Real estate: complete shambles. Losses deeper than the Mariana’s Trench.
Other than that, life is grand! Really, I am content. Happy. Doing ok!
Just to finish off, I have identified two camps of people in the world. Those who have been through divorce, and those who have not. I have found that those who have been through it are typically more balanced in their judgements, more empathetic, and accepting. Not to say that non-divorced people are not open minded or prejudice (some are for sure!), but divorced people have a broader perspective on the hundreds of possible iterations that could lead a person to choose divorce over remaining married.
I’m not going to say that you should jump into something like this, because the implications are major – like monumental and the biggest type of decision that you might make. Having said that, if fear is holding you back, you might benefit from knowing that it’s not so bad, on the ‘dark side’ of divorce.
It is calm. I am feeling composed, relaxed, balanced and happy.
Previously, it was as if I were a boat on the ocean, battling heavy seas.
Now, the clouds have parted, some welcome sunshine has filtered through, and the morning light is gently caressing calm seas once again.
Relief, that’s the main feeling. Contentment. Happy in my own space, happy to make new work colleagues, to be able to contribute without shadows of speculation and resentment being cast over my contributions.
I am free to engage, to enjoy, to rejoice in the simple things. To pat a friend or colleague on the back, to give some good feedback to others, to say thanks, and to let people know that I really care about them. Because, I really do!
I’ve let go, but in a good way. Let go of resentment. Let go of shame. Let go of the negativity that seemed to surround me and I was trapped like a shopping bag being blown around in a vortex of shit.
I realise that I was just hanging on. Using all my strength to tell myself that I could continue. Some days were really good in spite of the situation, and some days felt absolutely fucking desperate. It was like the rug had been pulled. I was angry. I was frustrated. I kept a positive outlook as much as possible in the situation and I did my best to not get dragged into the whole shit-pile, but in reality, that shit-pile was – my life! I don’t and haven’t blamed anyone else. Like I’ve said before, I was the architect of my own demise!
Life still has its challenges. Things will never be perfect. I can accept that. I watched a Ted talk recently that said that people affected by serious hardship, like a debilitating injury, and those who experience good fortune such as winning the lottery end up at the same place, after a few months, in terms of acceptance and who is happiest. This is counterintuitive because we all think that of course, winning the lottery would just about assure happiness – with all our ‘real’ problems put aside by having lots of money. Right?
Without getting into pop-psychology, the evidence would suggest that those who go through challenging and life altering events do adjust, and are generally content to accept, perhaps even find happiness in their apparent misfortune. I’m not suggesting I’ve suffered misfortune, just saying that the recent events of my life have certainly been challenging and life altering.
For a rough a journey as it has been, I am better for it. Stronger, more self assured, more independent and less resentful of the situation that surrounded me. What I learned is that people will accept you. Ok, some won’t that’s ok. But people will, if you open your heart and be genuine and sincere, no matter who you are.
possession of the qualities traditionally associated with men:
“handsome, muscled, and driven, he’s a prime example of masculinity”
synonyms: virility · manliness · maleness · machismo · vigor · strength · muscularity · ruggedness · robustness · testosterone
*** It’s all good, but, where is the sensitive, caring, open hearted, kind, loving, sensual part of the masculine description? Oh, that’s right, its not. Kinda the point, right? ***
So I just watched this Ted Talk – It’s Justin Baldoni, an actor who has been portrayed in lots of shirtless and sexy-man kind of roles. Good for him, right? Ok, so the topic of today’s blog is to explore masculinity, and what it means to me personally, and especially in light of the current media climate, and my own personal experiences.
It should be noted, that the Ted Talk was given in a room full of women. That’s relevant because the speech addressed women. Nothing wrong with that, it was a really good speech. Where I differ in my approach is that I am probably less ‘apologetic’ on behalf of all men for whatever has transpired through history. I can only be accountable for my own actions and I can only speak for myself.
I will say, that while I’m not a card carrying feminist, I do believe in equality and all people should be treated with respect and dignity. All people. That includes men, and women, and the undecided.
Ok, so, in today’s society, the term ‘masculinity’ conjures up many meanings, and I’m guessing survey says its not all-good. But I’m here to take affirmative action, to balance the ledger so to speak. A few of the general connotations of perception of men these days might include:
Violent against women.
Unmentionable and questionable conduct in relation to children – especially those in positions of power or authority with access to children.
Disproportionally remunerated in relation to women.
Consumer and supporter of porn.
etc. I think you get the gist of what I’m saying.
Well, here’s what I’ll say about it. Its a bit like shark attacks or bears in the woods – both are much feared but really the actual instance of shark and bear attacks are wayyyyyy fewer than one would expect based on our fear level and cultural expectations around shark and bear attacks.
But, (bear with me ladies), that doesn’t jive, because, I have people close to me in my life who have been (will be, and are being) subject to harassment, and have been abused in the past. Therefore, it could be argued that to dismiss these realities is not reflective of other’s experience.
What I’m saying is, the media reports, and the 1% of men who provide these experiences, cannon fodder for the media and feminist crowd, do not represent the 99% of decent guys out there. Or, maybe I’m in denial, maybe I’m kidding myself, and maybe 99% of men are inherently bad, and 1% have no balls? There I go perpetuating the current media storm.
Ok, I realise that this is going to bring and avalanche of feedback from the #metoo crowd. I understand that, as women, these things happen, and are real.
I have a daughter, and female friends. I don’t want them to be victimized or harassed, period.
Further, I, me, moi, have been perceived as a harasser, a creep, a sleaze, even though, maybe I was not aware, and maybe I was niave, and maybe I was nonchalant. On occasion my actions may have been totally benign, and misinterpreted, while on other occasions, you can bet that I wanted to get something from an interaction from a female, because, guess what? I’m a man. Duh.
If men never pursued women, the species would discontinue, which kinda suggests that harassment on some level is a biological instrument of reproduction. If you have ever seen a stallion go nuts about a mare you know what I am talking about. Again, clarification, there are obvious cases that are just inappropriate. Goes without saying.
To be honest, I’m not even sure what constitutes a general male/female conversation, where flirting starts and ends, and what constitutes harassment. In a confusing sort of twist, the rules seem to be it’s harassment, when a woman says it is. The definition would probably be something like ‘if the attention is unwanted…’ etc. Fair enough.
Ok, you can say its obvious, but really, it’s not. I don’t grab anything I shouldn’t, and I don’t hassle females for the sake of gaining anything, so I think my activities are quite respectful. In fact, I know they are, but its been a learning curve. I guess based on the modern media shit storm, and my own personal experience, I err on the side of caution.
So, what’s the implication of that? What is the effect of that on individual men, and boys in our society? From my perspective, it adds up to a whole lot of guilt and shame. I think that is a kind of sad indictment for how a man or young man should feel.
Here’s a news flash. While we are men, we aren’t all bad. Really.
You don’t have to go far to get sensational news, and feminist propaganda, though.
Enough #metoo already! Please.
Here’s what I’ll say. I like being a man. I like feeling sexy. I like to engage with other people – men and women, and for the vast majority of times, if you are respectful and polite people will respond in turn with equal favour.
For the men out there, here’s what I want to communicate:
Be a proud man. Whatever you are.
It’s ok to be gay, if that’s what you are.
It’s ok to cry, when you need to.
It’s ok to talk to other men – time and a place of course, about what is important to you. Open you mind and open your heart. You will be rewarded.
It’s ok to feel sexy. In fact, I enjoy it and encourage it!
It’s ok to be sensual, in whatever way makes you feel good.
Dress the way you want.
Do the things you want – cast off the shackles of traditional masculinity. If you want to take a sewing class, write poetry, become an aerobics instructor, you go, boy!
It’s ok if sometimes you feel like you are crumbling under the weight of expectations as a man – the protector, the provider, the strong one. We all have our weak moments, and that’s ok.
So in the process of moving, I found a picture of me! This must have been about 1978, or so. I was born in 75 so I figure I was about 3 or 4 years old here. So it got me thinking, if I had to ‘write a letter to my young self’ what would it say? Here’s my attempt…
Hey little man, what’s up? You have no idea of the shit storm you are in for! No, I’m kidding really, you’re gonna have a lot of fun out there. One day, you’ll be approaching 43, sitting in a café in eastern Canada, typing a letter to yourself, which is going to be posted on a blog – It’s an internet thing, don’t worry you’ll figure it out.
So, um, what can I say? Good luck out there. Go with an open heart, and an open mind. Be kind to yourself, and others. Stand up for what you believe in. You’re going to go through a lot of stress and anxiety, but please, let it go, it will not serve you well.
Be true to yourself. Be who you want to be. Travel wide. Love with all your ‘lil heart. You will drift from your family, but don’t drift too far. Family is very important to your identity and even if you are frustrated at times, know that they mean well.
Sometimes, you are going to have to tow the line, to fit in, to just do things because others say you should. Often this is due to social norms that are developed over many generations and sometimes there are very good reasons for these and sometimes they are just stupid conventions that you are going to have to accept.
Don’t be afraid. Be cautious, be aware, but don’t let fear hold you back. Some of your best life experiences will come when you just let go, of fear. Step out of your comfort zone, and be brave, be bold.
Remember that while what others think of you is important, it does not define you, and you will never please everyone. Do your best to be the best you that you can be and allow others to accept you as you are, or leave you be.
Live without regrets, but take heed of your learnings. Its a fool’s endeavour to make the same dumb mistakes more than a few times! You will make plenty, it’s all part of the experience.
Take care, young man, one day, you’re going to be me!!!!
I don’t cry often, but when I do its normally a big kind of relief. With all the changes in my life I have felt a whole spectrum of emotions – from resentment, to guilt, to shame, to embarrassment, to anger, to love, to lust, to feeling inspired, energetic and optimistic, to the lowest lows I have experienced, such that I have been genuinely fearful for what I might do such was the feeling of rejection and hopelessness.
But don’t worry – this is not a helpless, depressing post, it’s one of release. Healthy release!
There is no one singular theme here, its been an ups and downs kind of a ride. In short, I feel more open, more myself, and more content at this point than I have in years; even if it has essentially cost me my job, contact with my children, a lot of money, and a tremendous amount of turmoil.
In my time in Montreal, I visited the Basilique Marie-Reine-Du-Monde. From the outside it’s impressive, but not really beautiful, at least in the way I like. On the inside, it’s simply magnificent. High ceilings, paintings in every corner and ceiling space, carved columns, and statues. I’m not particularly religious, but I was really taken by the impressive interior. There is a main area where the priests deliver the sermons, and its a four column masterpiece of sculpting and design.
I stayed for the service, ate the flesh of Christ, and took a moment to take it all in. I was overcome by the beauty of this place, and the sense of loneliness I experienced in that moment. I shed a few tears, then took a seat on one of the side pulpits. That’s where I really opened up. I sobbed. For a good long while. The nice thing about churches is that people leave you alone, to grieve or worship or do what you need to do. I probably wept for a good 10 minutes there.
I let my tears fall – a lot of them, onto the marbled floor at my feet. It felt good, knowing that a part of me, would be left there in Montreal, in that sacred space.
Afterwards I took a candle lighting stick and lit two candles. I wept openly. Some other people were doing their own thing – lighting candles or whatever. I found an enormous freedom in letting it out, and I was not ashamed to cry openly.
Now I have the feeling of having resolved some of the immediate issues in my life. I feel like the storm has passed, somewhat. I really needed to let it all out, and the Basilica was the ideal place to allow myself that space.
If there were a themesong for this blogpost, it would be High and Dry by Radiohead. Not really because I feel left high and dry so much as its just poetic and beautiful, because its Radiohead.
Overhead press – 5 reps of 5 with Olympic bar and 45lb plates.
One arm dumbbell rows – 3 sets of 10 with 80 lb dumbbell.
Machine with standing glute/ham/quad push back. (I call this horsekicks).
So we are just days away from when T bird and my babies fly away to our home country. I will be staying on in Oh-Canada. Houses on the market for sale. Kind of restructuring life and finances and everything really. It’s a great opportunity to let go of any hang ups or baggage that we’ve been carrying.
We (T bird and T bird jr my daughter) even played a game of monopoly the other night. Monopoly is very much like life. There is income, there are bills, there are windfalls, you over spend and then end up owing money. It started to resemble our life just a bit too much!
It would be really interesting if they put jobs and relationships in there wouldn’t it? You’d probably have to put any sharp objects away, I am guessing.
So this guy – in the gif here, I can relate to this shit. Going awesome, get the dreaded speed wobbles, then oh-fuck. End up in the ditch. Yes, I’ve been there! My life, of late, could play like a country song. But, wait, I’m not complaining, oh, no!
But you know what? As hard as the journey has been, as depressing at times, and challenging and down right embarrassing and all of the rest of it – it’s really ok. Let me reiterate IT’S REALLY FUCKING OK!!!! HAHAHAHAHHHAAAAA.
I went to Blairmore gym today in Saskatoon. It’s a great gym, I’m a member of a chain of 3 gyms, soon to be 4 apparently. I like Blairmore because it is quiet compared to the other two gyms, and the equipment is brand new. Makes for a nice work out.
So, hopefully, a very human post today. This morning I was feeling a little achy in the upper back/neck where I often experience headaches, so I was conscious of that getting started. I used some moisturiser and rubbed my traps and upper back as best I could. I felt just a little nauseous which can be an effect of these neck type pains.
I put on my gym gear – hot shorts of course. I shave my legs because I can’t stand hairy legs. I made a resolution to shave once a week – keeps everything relatively smooth. I took an extra 10 minutes or so to get that done.
I felt a bit like I needed to pee. I put that aside as I got into my workout. Getting through my sets, I was doubtful within myself that I could do the 5 sets of 5 bench press with 225 lbs. But I kept going. Pushing through. The good news, I got through my work out, and actually feel pretty damn good right now! I also did lat raises, bent over lat raises, incline bench press, chest flyes, and lying leg raises.
This week I was challenged a few times, in work, in life whatever. Sometimes these things are put before us to test out mettle. I think what matters is what you do with these challenges, how you respond. Can you make yourself a better person from the experience?
It’s not about taking a bunch of shit and accepting it. Its not about reacting strongly or getting emotional. Its about standing up for yourself. Responding appropriately. Being direct with people, yet courteous and polite. Its about sticking to your guns…..