Note to Self – Positive Reflections

So in dealing with the current situation we are all in (life), there are challenges, there are ups and downs, and there are people who help us and people who hinder us in our journey.

I believe, its all about attitude. There are no perfect situations. There will always be aches and pains, or a problem with money, or a relationship that is not what you had hoped for. What matters, is how we deal with the situations that are presented to us.

So I write a lot. Often times those writings are hand written call outs for the things I need to be more aware of, where I need to pay more attention, or what I need to let go of. Often these writings are accompanied by a flow chart, or a silly graph or some illustration that makes sense to me in a humorous or semi serious way. I’m guilty of chuckling to myself at my own wittiness. 

Sometimes those writings are shared with the people that are close to me. Sometimes those writings cause some upset or discomfort, because I may have been harsh, or made people closest to me aware of where I felt they had a shortcoming. I can be very direct and analytical and that can perhaps come out as a directive or shit-list of stuff that might be a bit too strong for the situation – which is often a reflection of my intense feelings about a subject.

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So recently I wrote some notes to myself. They are both affirmations of my intentions, and also blunt callouts of my failures or habits. I want to change, and I am determined to remain aware of those important intentions in my interactions with others. I read my notes each day. Perhaps some would see this as a little obsessive, but the reality is that my future is at stake, and I want to do better. So far, I’m happy to say that these notes to self feel like they are having a positive effect.

Navigating my way through the murky waters of inter-human relationships…

So I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection lately. Open, honest with self type of reflection. This is the time when you ask yourself the big picture questions. I am often asked ‘what do I really want?’ The reality is that I’m not really sure.

I know that I want peace and harmony. Reality is that my life choices have not necessarily lent themselves to a life of peace and harmony, based on how those choices have affected those around me. The reality is that I make choices, either consciously or out of habit that lead to generally bad outcomes.

Things at home, aren’t really great. We’ve done all the fighting, broken cups, tears, frustration, counselling, name calling, yelling, door slamming, avoiding, heading out of the house, kicking me out, etc. Like really, we’ve had the whole fucking enchilada.

A couple of things out of that. Firstly, I still love my wife. She can argue that this isn’t love and yady-ya. The bottom line is that its not working out because she can’t accept me for what I am and what I feel I need out of life. Thankfully, we are still talking, and living in the same house, and we went for a bike ride this afternoon and we are sort of generally ok, for now. Its actually a massive relief – we were just talking about it then (as I am writing this), she and I are making plans to both get on with moving forward (separately). I have no reservations about that. I want her to be happy. Really. Image result for swamp

So… ok that seems fair enough. So what’s the problem. Um, well, I have to live in the real world, and the real world has other people in it. Now that shouldn’t be a big deal, right? Well it gets a bit sticky when you combine my exuberant personality… and other people. Especially when they know what’s up with my private personal life, because I’ve never made much effort to hide my other activities. This has lead to what I consider some harsh judgement. Its not against the ‘rules’ as such but people judge.

Ok, so this isn’t about blame, and I have to own my actions. I would rather been seen as a straight up solid citizen, but the reality is that my lifestyle choices/personality type don’t necessarily gel with the expectations of others. Perhaps I have been too friendly or engaging and some people take that the wrong way, or whatever that means. I have discovered that once a person is known to be seeing someone outside their marriage, an automatic response would seem to be suspicion and lack of trust. I get that. I have probably been a bit naive (just too friendly, open and honest???), and engaged in conversations that I probably shouldn’t have.

So I have to take the feedback. I want to do better. I am not out to upset people and ruin my reputation (any further) at work. I have engaged a counselling service, and I have reached out for some discussion with a colleague in a leadership position who I can share openly with. Someone I can be vulnerable and truthful with. I also rely on the women in my life that I am close to for that feedback and discussion that helps me steer in what is hopefully the right direction.

 

Accepting what is…

So I’d like to think I have my shit together. I like to present a ‘front’ of composed coolness or whatever. Competency, professionalism, assertiveness. Most of the time I think I pull this off fairly well. Should be easy, right? Early forties, educated, sexy as fk (did I just write that??).

Well sometimes, actually all the time lately, it feels like my mojo has been off a bit. Where do I even start? I’m determined not to make this some kind of whiny I-blame-the-world-’cause-my-shits-not-straight kind of post. No fuck that. I am the architect of my own demise in the outcomes that I have cultivated. I don’t have any regrets, none. I’ve done some stupid shit, and some random shit, and had a lot of fun with it too.

So lets take stock real quick: marriage? In the ditch. Kids? Despise me. Work? Awesome except that my boss thinks I’m some sort of HR liability in relation to my work associations with female colleagues. What else, um, money? Broke, and going backwards, which is somewhat of an irony based on the fact that I am earning more money than I ever have in my life. My debts aren’t even bad debts, they are real estate debts, but the house we bought 8 years ago is in a one industry town and no work there so its not going to sell and the rent is about half of the mortgage. My wife just finished up her job and so now is officially unemployed. Did NOT need that.

Yet somehow, almost unbelievably, I feel happy. Even despite the challenges that I am facing, I’m happy in a don’t-give-a-fuck kind of a way. I am finding a tremendous freedom in being me, and not complying to the expectations of others. I warn you readers, this does not come without risk. Self-realisation comes with a price. Your partner might think what the fuck are you doing? You’re boss might be planning a few uncomfortable chats with you. Your parents might be tskThere are often people I'd love to be able to tell this to, but I am wise enough to know better than to try telling this to someone unwilling to listen. Check: http://www.illulife.com/ for more!: tsking.

What I found out is, even though your thoughts, actions and general direction in life might not be to all the people in your life’s liking, I have found, through discussion with others, that some people will appreciate you for who you are, and what you are doing.

I’m either going through some mid life metamorphosis, where I’m going to come out of this with a stronger resolve, a wiser mind, a more accepting heart and mind, or…. I’m completely fucking my life up.

To be honest, it could be either.

Leave, change or accept, but stop complaining: So if you asked me, whether I am worried about the future, I’d say, no. I’m not worried about the future at all. That’s because I see opportunity in challenge. Opportunity for personal growth. Opportunity for reflection. Opportunity to correct mistakes and wrongs I have made. Opportunity to make a new start. Opportunity to make amends with those who I have hurt. So if you look at it that way, the apprehension that we might hold due to the unknowns that we will face in the future suddenly becomes excitement. There are so many people in this world doing remarkable brave, scary and exciting things. I don’t see any reason to sit on my arse and complain and miss out on making my life what I want it to be. So I’m accepting. Maybe even embracing the current challenges I have. There are so many good things in life. World, you get a big hug. Peace.

Musings from a 22nd Street Café – Episode 2

Hi Bloggers,

Today, we went to get our Canadian passports. I am travelling to the states Monday, and I didn’t know this, but they have a 24 hour service. It costs an extra $100 but they can rush it through. I cant believe it, if things work out, I might be picking up my own Canadian passport on Monday at 11.30!

So I went to the café with my wife and my daughter. We talked a bit about being respectful and having a good adult dialogue. Very important things, I think. I realise I have not always been respectful, and she admits that she’s been a bit the same way. Anyway, the point was that we agreed to work on respectful dialogue, for the sake of our sanity, for the kids, and, well, because its way nicer if you are kind to eachother. Anyway, that’s not the point of my blog today.

I learned that my kids now have their own cell phones (WTF? I don’t remember having that discussion), but whatever. I texted something like ‘sup kids, you wanna hang with your dad?’ They both replied ‘no.’ Turds. Ok, I’ll just pay for your fucking cell phones and you can diss your dad. The joys of parenting.

So T Bird got herself the newIMG_2659 iPhone 7.  Another conversation that I don’t remember having but whatever, I guess I’ll just pay that bill too. I must say though, it takes awesome photos. I’m impressed.

There was a guy on the street outside the window. He had a cardboard sign saying ‘thank god for kind people’. I guess if I’m paying for three cell phone bills I’m pretty kind, right? I don’t think he’d appreciate that, though.

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So I’ve got the weekend to IMG_2665do whatever I want, and I’m travelling to Iowa on Monday. Something to look forward to, its just a quick trip. I think I’ll work on a few songs on my acoustic guitar, give the vocal chords a bit of a workout. Probably hit the gym a couple of times. Might even get a bit of yoga in.

Who’s down for that?

Healthy Relationships – I got a lesson from my kid’s school and wanted to share.

So it was parent teacher night, and the kids at school have made posters outside their classrooms about Healthy Relationships.

I had a read through and I think they are great. They are what we should all aspire to. They are also some of the areas we sometimes fall down in. I was so inspired, I thought I’d share. Hope you can appreciate these as much as I can.

Grittiness. Reality. Existing in an environment where life is a full contact sport.

Lets take a moment to discuss reality. Grittiness. So I shared my blog with J Bird, bless her cotton socks, she was pretty decent about it. T Bird had already been reviewing my posts, and thankfully, she seems quite supportive too, thank you ladies.

So, one of the points of feedback for me was, am I attempting to create some sort of idealization of my life? Projecting only the good aspects, rather than the whole picture? Well readers, rest assured, this is not about displaying perfection. Life is a full contact sport, and when you make choices like mine, sometimes, no fuck it, often, there are conflicts and challenges. When for instance, you love two people; there is a more or less constant state of tension between the parties (including myself, I have feelings too). It ranges from flat out spitefulness and anger to loving support that cannot exist without the intimate bonds that we share.

I’m not suggesting that what I am doing feels wrong, no, no, no; or that I have regrets, I don’t. But the fact is, where the heart, mind and body are being applied and values are being challenged both within existing relationships, developing new ones, and having to face the outside world, you can fuckin’ bet that its gonna get interesting. So, some stuff is not for posting, I still want to respect those I care about and myself too. Therefore, I won’t be posting about the details of the argument that I had last night, or the night before, or the one I had the other day, or how this has been the biggest roller coaster that makes you want to laugh and cry and dance and puke and run away, and be held tightly.

Also, as per life, as per all interactions, there are a range of experiences from sublime, awesome, regrettable, scary, emotional, frustrating etc. Its not all good and its not all bad. For me personally, its about self-realisation. Becoming the full human being.

As a closer, I am not looking for either sympathy or support. If you don’t appreciate my choices, that’s your prerogative. I’m blogging about my experience in life because its a great creative outlet. You either get it or you don’t.

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My Meditation, and the Truly Profound Human Experience

Tuesday Tip - Be still The answers you seek never come when the mind is busy, they come when the mind is still.  #tuesdaytip #quote:

Hi Bloggers. I wanted to share a truly profound human experience I had this weekend. It was while I was staying with my good American Friends J Bird and J Dog. Two of the kindest hearts on the planet without a doubt.

We all went to the Y together, and did a pretty decent work out. I was kicked J Bird’s arse in boot camp warm up, but don’t worry, this woman knows how to work it on the weights floor so she can hold her own there. After the boot camp warm up it was on to a bicep/tricep yady ya kind of workout and it was pretty good all round. They both work out like demons.

Silence:

So I wanted to do a group meditation thing with these two. I am used to meditating with J Bird on occasion, and with her I have felt generally calmer and more grounded than with anything before or after really. So we took a seat in a quiet corner and just sat in a tripod position – the three of us equi-spaced.

I guided them through mindful awareness of the space around us, and to their own breathing. It was very calm and relaxed. Soon after the initial guidance, we just sat and were all present, in that time and space. Maybe a 10 minute session or so.

Slowly, gently I felt a welling up of emotion. A very calm slow release. This was not vigorous emotional turmoil, it was the absolute acceptance of where I was in life. I felt a tear run from my right eye, and maybe some more came and soon enough it was running down to my jaw. Soon after my left eye was also crying a gentle tear so I now had two tear streaks down my cheeks. I made no effort to clean up or cover the raw gentle emotions I was feeling.

When I felt ready I opened my eyes, I wept. J Bird held me into her shoulder. She is my mother figure and lover and many things. J Dog  was supportive and put his big bear arms around us and I let out a minor torrent of emotion. It was wonderful. When I had composed a bit, we held each other’s hands each way and just let each other know that we were here for each other. It was a truly profound human experience.

 

Coming Together. An Erotic Memoir

The first time J bird came to stay with us it was an apprehensive and scary time for all of us. There had been plenty of friction in the preceding months since I had come out to T bird that I was seeing another woman. Regardless, there was no denying the mutual attraction that J bird and I felt for each other, and we had expressed our love and lust many times over when we met in various places in North America.

Nude me 4 (2)

J bird is a leggy blonde. Amazing body. Very fit. Incredible wit and charm, absolutely a wonderfully engaging and head turning mature woman. Reeks of confidence, can be a bit hard to handle and certainly falls into the ‘turbulent’ personality type.

T bird is my loyal wife of many years. She’s low on drama (normally), sweet natured, good hearted, petite figured, predictable level headed, and loyal. We have had many years of mostly comfortable and unremarkable relationship times that have been wonderful.

Afternooner 2

We picked up J bird from the airport, I saw her legs first, and said I’d recognise those legs anywhere. We made our way home, and after a little while, we all ended up in the shower. I swear to god I don’t even know exactly how that happened, I mean I was obviously intimate with both of them but this was not some sort of contrived set up, it just happened. The shower was nice and it gave us a chance to get to know each other a bit and settle each others nerves. Hands wandered, and soap was applied, and there was some kissing and hugging and, well it was just very sweet.

Nude me 5 (2)

To be honest I can’t recall that scene turning into some sort of bedroom romp, maybe it did and I suppose I should like be able to recall the first time together in a lot of detail, but the reality is that it was just one interaction of many.

We decided that we were all going to sleep in the same bed. It just made sense. I was in the middle. It was very kind of sweet and innocent to start with. We kind of made out, and things got heated after a bit. They said I was like a 14 year old wishing to get his first feel – kind of nervous and apprehensive. I wanted this bad but I didn’t want to be the bull in the china shop and fuck this up from being too bullish.

Some sensual touching and foreplay was done for a while. Lips placed on various parts, J getting her first taste of a woman, and for me, the chance to feel them and smell them and experience them both in the same place. The two women in the world that I love more than anything, here with me expressing themselves physically.

Initially, my wife wanted me to use a condom, but honestly me and J had been intimate without one for some time. This became readily apparent to T when I was taking her from behind, and J was giving me head at regular intervals. I got to enter T and work her for a while, then J’s hungry mouth would descend over my shaft to pleasure me. Heaven on earth. I felt like I achieved the holy grail when in a moment of unbridled lust I felt the welling up of an orgasm and I pulled out of T and came in J’s mouth, and she dutifully swallowed my stuff.

In other lusty adventures that weekend I was able to enjoy them both at the same time, entering one, then pulling out and working the other, and back and forth, the whole time thinking about the wonderful choice of which one to come inside of. It was a moment of absolute bliss. Sometimes, I came in T, as she was kind of possessive about getting my stuff, but at some point she said, I want you to come in J. So sometimes I did!

At one point, T was lying down and J was straddled over her, they were working each other with their thighs pushed into each others crotches. I was behind J and inside her and my rhythm provided the momentum for their bodies to grind together.  There was a moment when, in an absolutely earth shattering release, we all came, together. I can die a happy man 😉

Afternooner 8 (2)

 

My Wonderfully Imperfect Life

Hi readers, thanks for joining me. So its a new day, full of new opportunities and all that shit. But lets be honest. It’s not perfect, but that’s ok.

So this morning I started my day with a sort of argument with T bird. Mostly to do with her getting the attention that she needs and me being sort of distant/seemingly uninterested and spending my energy elsewhere. No doubt this has been a fairly constant theme, so the discussion gets into raised voices, fuck this and fuck you, and we might as well get divorced if I can’t exercise my ability to be the full me. Quite imperfect but that’s ok.

The dishes are full of dirty plates and cups. Partly because its a weekend and partly because no one wants to be the first to put their hand up to do it, but that’s ok we’ll get it done later.

The back yard is a melted mess of dog shit, ice and snow. Having two dogs crapping for 3 months of sub freezing weather allows a kind of accumulation. Quite imperfect. I’m not too worried about it because the warmer weather and wet conditions allow things to decompose in a natural way, and I promise its not as bad as you imagine. There’s water everywhere. We are in that freeze/thaw time when it goes from water to ice rink and back to water.

Imperfect 1

The garden hose is frozen in the icy water. An interesting effect.

Imperfect 2

So I thought it might be time for a sketch. Its imperfect too, but what the fk? This is sort of how I imagine myself looking with the laptop and morning coffee. Imperfect.

Imperfect sketch

The bananas I photo-blogged yesterday are still green, by the way.

Bananas are still green

But don’t worry, I’m grateful. I have lots to be thankful for. This is a wonderfully imperfect life!