Ramble On

Hi Bloggers,

So the time has come. The removalist packers were in today. This is happening – now! I went to eat tonight and despite having food in the freezer and fridge, I have no cutlery, or knives and forks. I found myself heating up a frozen veggie packet in the micro wave and a frozen pizza. I don’t even have a tray for the pizza!

I ate by hand, opening the veggie packet up a bit and shoveling into my mouth with fingers. It felt mildly stupid and a bit primal. I had to cut the pizza with my cheap knock off leatherman tool. At least you can feel relatively normal eating pizza by hand.

Tomorrow, the delivery truck will arrive early, and my furniture will begin it’s cross country journey to the Eastern Provinces. I found a place to live last week – a Victorian era two bedroom apartment that used to operate as a lawyers office, and more recently as a quilt shop. It’s got lots of character and history.

I talked to the T bird by phone tonight, it seems we might finally be moving towards making things amicable, but we will wait and see how things pan out. I also talked to my squids. It was nice to hear their voices. Sometimes, that’s enough, that’s all I need.

IMG_5669
I’m gonna miss you, sweetheart. Got a kiss for Daddy? Don’t be a teaser!

 

So snoop dogs, or ‘Sally D’ as I like to call her can’t come and live with me. I will be sad to give her up but I won’t be living in a house with a yard so I am finding her a home locally. She’s a real sweetheart. The removalist packers were all like ‘oh you’re giving your dog up? I’d love to take her… etc’ She melts every heart that she meets.

 

 

 

 

Ramble on – Led Zeppelin

Leaves are falling all around
It’s time I was on my way
Thanks to you I’m much obliged
For such a pleasant stay
But now it’s time for me to go
The autumn moon lights my way
For now I smell the rain
And with it pain
And it’s headed my way

Ah, sometimes I grow so tired
But I know I’ve got one thing I got to do

Ramble on
And now’s the time, the time is now
To sing my song
I’m goin’ ’round the world, I got to find my girl
On my way
I’ve been this way ten years to the day
Ramble on
Gotta find the queen of all my dreams

 

Advertisements

Opening up… tears in the basilica. High and Dry.

Hi Bloggers,

I don’t cry often, but when I do its normally a big kind of relief. With all the changes in my life I have felt a whole spectrum of emotions – from resentment, to guilt, to shame, to embarrassment, to anger, to love, to lust, to feeling inspired, energetic and optimistic, to the lowest lows I have experienced, such that I have been genuinely fearful for what I might do such was the feeling of rejection and hopelessness.

But don’t worry – this is not a helpless, depressing post, it’s one of release. Healthy release! 

There is no one singular theme here, its been an ups and downs kind of a ride. In short, I feel more open, more myself, and more content at this point than I have in years;  even if it has essentially cost me my job, contact with my children, a lot of money, and a tremendous amount of turmoil.

 SAM_4864

In my time in Montreal, I visited the Basilique Marie-Reine-Du-Monde. From the outside it’s impressive, but not really beautiful, at least in the way I like. On the inside, it’s simply magnificent. High ceilings, paintings in every corner and ceiling space, carved columns, and statues. I’m not particularly religious, but I was really taken by the impressive interior. There is a main area where the priests deliver the sermons, and its a four column masterpiece of sculpting and design.

SAM_4866

I stayed for the service, ate the flesh of Christ, and took a moment to take it all in. I was overcome by the beauty of this place, and the sense of loneliness I experienced in that moment. I shed a few tears, then took a seat on one of the side pulpits. That’s where I really opened up. I sobbed. For a good long while. The nice thing about churches is that people leave you alone, to grieve or worship or do what you need to do. I probably wept for a good 10 minutes there.

I let my tears fall – a lot of them, onto the marbled floor at my feet. It felt good, knowing that a part of me, would be left there in Montreal, in that sacred space. 

Afterwards I took a candle lighting stick and lit two candles. I wept openly. Some other people were doing their own thing – lighting candles or whatever. I found an enormous freedom in letting it out, and I was not ashamed to cry openly.

Now I have the feeling of having resolved some of the immediate issues in my life. I feel like the storm has passed, somewhat. I really needed to let it all out, and the Basilica was the ideal place to allow myself that space.

If there were a themesong for this blogpost, it would be High and Dry by Radiohead. Not really because I feel left high and dry so much as its just poetic and beautiful, because its Radiohead. 

 

 

 

 

 

A first post for the new year …

Hi Bloggers,

Happy new year. So, last night I intended on going down to the Old Port in Montreal to see the fireworks display. I did go down to the port, but I did not stay for the fireworks. It is Montreal’s 375th anniversary, so that’s as good a reason to celebrate as any, I guess.

It was very cold out, my phone weather app said it was -22C (without the wind chill). I took a subway down to the nearest station, and walked down to the port. Having spent much of the previous afternoon and evening walking in the city, I knew it was going to be cold as fek, so I layered up – with a pair of thick long tights, some thermal long johns, and my khaki hiking pants, and on top two shirts, a hoodie and my parka. I had a toque (beanie, hat), on, plus a kind of neck warmer balaclava, as well as my parka jacket hood on. Oh, and of course my new CAN-ADA gloves.

That should have been enough, you would hope. Well, after two hours of standing outside – the cold seeps in. No matter how much I jumped around, etc, I could not shake the cold. I didn’t pack my regular winter jacket because I am travelling light. I had to chuckle to myself, some people heading down to the venue didn’t have good face coverage on, and one young lady had a pair of those jeans with the rips in them where you can see lots of bare skin. Big fucking mistake, sweetheart, I chuckled to myself. Seriously though, people in this part of the world should know better! A lot of people were totally rugged up for artic conditions, though, because, they read the forecast, and they’re smart!

IMG_6791

Of course, it would be tempting to drop a few nice quotes and anecdotes about positive thinking, good intentions, and other wise shit, but I’m going to keep it simple. I’m looking forward to a better year than the last one. For fucks sake, can it please be better than the last one, lol?

I’m going to keep meditating, keep exercising, keep eating good nourishing food and settling in to a new job in a new town. I have found a place to live, and now just working through the logistics of the move.

Thank you to all who have been ‘witness’ to my journey so far. I thank you for your feedback and support, and I look forward to continuing my blogging with you in the new year.

Namaste.

 

Direction for the direction-less….

Hi Bloggers,

Image result for im lost
This sums up exactly what life has felt like at times in the past year. The edge of panic not knowing how you were going to get through the next month, or week, or day… 

Anyone who has been following my crazy little blog would realise that my life has been a bit of a shit-show for the past 12 months or so. For a very long time, my life was about order, and monotony, and working hard, and paying bills, and kids, and mowing the lawn, and all of that, with the occasional big step such as moving, new job, buying houses, etc.

 

But as a qualifying statement, know that I am not complaining. No, no. no! I own my own actions, the consequences that go along with them.

But the point is, that my life was pretty stable. Very stable actually. But then, it started to look like this:

And I would be the guy getting thrown out of the boat!

But, as it is in life, this situation could not last forever. Things have changed for me. I don’t want to give too much away as there are still several balls in the air currently. The reality is that my ex and kids are not living with me anymore, and I am changing jobs and moving to a new location far, far away. Image result for compass

So I guess you could say that I’m not really without direction. In fact, I now at least have some direction, whereas, for an extended time, I was literally lost in my basement!

So, soon enough I will be off in a new direction, with a new living arrangement, in a new city, in a different province. So that’s exciting, right? I’m excited about it.

So what’s my advice? I’d say, if you aren’t happy with your situation, its up to you to change it. With all changes there are risks. With staying put in the status quo there are risks too – that you may be unfulfilled, unhappy, bored, unsatisfied, etc. It’s up to you to make the decisions and take the actions to change things. Just know that this shit is gonna leave a mark! This depends of course, what you are trying to change, how far you are invested in something and what you have at stake – I would suggest that this will differ greatly depending on your situation and all of that.

If you want to change libraries, that’s pretty simple with low risk. If you want to crash the bus on your marriage, you better fucking be prepared for the ensuing shit storm! But I won’t suggest its all good or all bad. Probably depends on how you are feeling about your situation and your options. I suggest talking to someone if you are not sure how to approach an issue.

 

 

 

 

From the departure lounge…

Hi Bloggers,

It’s Sunday morning. I’m at Saskatoon airport waiting for a flight to Toronto. The incoming flight is delayed.

I just turned to look at the jet bridge. There is a barn owl on the top of the structure. It is perched on a beacon. It is so still it looks like it could be a decoy or a small statue, but I think it’s real. I look across to the other jet bridges just to see if maybe XYE have initiated some sort of owl-statue bird deterrent thing, but I see no others….

Is that like some sort of um, what’s the word – the thing with hidden meaning, like an albatross seen at sea. (It will come to me momentarily *** it came to me – omen, that’s the word!). I wonder if pilots have a superstition about owls and things.

So I said goodbye to Jack Black, our black lab. He’s such a sweet dog. We got him about 2 years ago. He’s more the ex’s dog that he is mine. I’ve inherited Sally D, our chocolate lab. She’s a lot higher energy and more inclined to steal food from benchtops etc. Jack is going on his own flight Tuesday, and I will not see him on my return. Safe travels you gorgeous handsome dog. He’s leaving Canada for Australia. IMG_6865

I don’t know if I will be able to keep Sally D. She’s a real sweetheart and I don’t want to let her go. The reality is that I don’t know where I will be living in one month, or six months or whatever from now. Finding accommodation that will suit my budget, location to work and pet friendly is very challenging.

 

IMG_6860
Bye Jack, you adorable little man-dog. 

 

Meanwhile, I’m going to somewhere that I have never been – eastern Canada – the Atlantic provinces. That’s exciting, right? It’s a quick trip but still, there is a lot of value in seeing new places…..

 

IMG_6858.JPG
Sally on left, Jack Black on the right. 

 

F it, it’s Friday!

One of those rare occasions that I don’t have much to say – so we’ll see where this goes I guess. It’s only a few short days until the T bird takes off and leaves this continent (this planet, this universe?) forever. How am I feeling? Kind of relieved, a bit melancholy I suppose. Without doubt, the biggest kicker is my kids leaving. They don’t seem concerned at all.

In fact, they are quite dismissive to me, when I try to engage them. My son, he’s ok. We talk sometimes. I still get a good sense of animosity from him; but its fleeting. He can be downright dismissive, but in a later moment we can be talking together – which normally consists of him shooting rapid fire questions about all sorts of random shit: ‘does your intestines know what sort of food you like to eat? Did you know that the Ebola virus is a new epidemic? Sometimes I cant feel my fingers, is this normal? etc. ok questions are hypothetical and generic but you get the gist… 

Disclaimer: As challenging and stressful as all of this has been, I would not change anything. I’m not complaining, just sharing. It was a journey that I really needed to experience.

 

IMG_6680
Somewhere on the border between BC and Alberta. That’s the start of the Rocky Mountains, folks. 

 

Has anyone noticed the tree tattoo trend thing that seems to be going around? I just saw a girl with one on the back of her neck, and a guy at work got one on his forearm. I don’t know if its a Saskatchewan thing or a bit broader than that.

I got a new book from the library – actually I got a bunch of new books from the library. The one I’m about to inhale is called ‘How to be a great boss.’ I figure reading that can’t hurt, based on some of the feedback I’ve got over the past months.

So how do I feel? Actually pretty good. I’m ready to move forward. I just don’t know what I am moving forward into, and guess what? I don’t mind that at all.

So, what have I learned? It might be a good moment for some reflection and sharing. So, here goes, here’s my recommended list of take away’s:

  1. Be yourself. For fuck’s sake, be yourself. If you are gay, straight, a total prude or wild thang, religious zealot or worshipper of the devil, just do what you need to do. Allow others to accept you or not.
  2. Respect others.
  3. While being yourself, don’t be completely blind to the effect you have on others. Be considerate! This is the fine balance that I have eluded to before. How do you strike that balance? IDK. But you have to find the balance. The net results of not getting the balance right leads to divorce, loss of job, alienation, and a whole bunch of shit that can make life difficult. The challenge here, in my humble opinion is to come to terms with yourself, exercise discretion where prudent and be ready for some tough conversations where you are not prepared to yield. 
  4. Exercise discretion in the workplace. Realise that even though you may feel like an open book with ‘nothing to hide,’ realise that your shit is freaking people out. There is a fairly narrow band of what is acceptable to people in society. This band narrows considerably in the workplace. It also narrows with your position. Especially if you are a leader. There is an unwritten code for expected behaviour. Know that in the workplace, it is always better to err on the side of caution. Keep it professional. Develop networks outside work to air your laundry and find a shoulder to cry on (or arse to grab if that is your thing – disclaimer, I do NOT grab arse in the workplace, period).
  5. Take chances, and don’t let fear rule your decisions. This too, needs a balanced approach. Reckless choices lead to bad outcomes. Don’t be completely stupid. Have fun and keep your wits about you. Some of my best experiences have been had while taking a chance and getting out of my comfort zone.
  6. Travel as much as you can. There is no teacher like travel. I’ve moved a bunch and the way I’ve seen it is something like ‘there are no strangers, only friends you haven’t met yet.’
  7. Yoga, and meditation. Just meditation if yoga is not your thing. I can’t emphasise enough the benefits of meditation.
  8. Exercise. This is not a recent development for me, but I can’t make a list without exercise in it ;).
  9. Eat well. healthy food. Lots of vegies. Contributes to overall wellness.
  10. Get a good amount of sleep.

 

SAM_4589
I took this picture of a buck outside someone’s house. Kinda random but cool eh?

 

 

 

Gettin’ on!

Hi Bloggers.

It’s turned ‘wintery’ here. Walking around outside at work today I thought I was going to freeze my face off. First day of wearing long johns under the work trousers. Normally its got to be about -20C before I will go to such lengths. In the still air its not to bad, but anywhere a breeze or wind is blowing the cold factor increases by a fair bit. I really feel for the guys and gals that work outdoors all day. It takes a special kind of energy and focus to tough out cold weather all day.

 

img_6278.jpg
Canada has a new $10 bank note. Looking good there foundation fathers/mother!

 

Recently I went to one of those Canadian mega chain cafe’s. Jim Shorton’s (or something). I had the chicken club sandwhich. I did get the combo with wedges. I waited patiently or at least I hacked into my club sandwhich expecting my wedges to be brought over, as if they were late coming from the cooker or something. I got up and approached the counter. I was in complete first world despair when the young lady told me that I got a shot of vanilla flavour in my latte, and that some how negated the value of the wedges. I disagree. I think that f’ked the tasted of the coffee, and I didn’t get my wedges! Damn.

I went to this other coffee mega chain – Sharkbucks or something. I got the salted caramel frappachia or something. A warning readers. It’s horrible. I’m down with frappe and good with caramel, but putting a bunch of salt in a sweet drink. Urrggh. It was disgusting!

At this point I realise I’m sounding like a whiny bitch so it’s time to change gears….

 

IMG_6468
Chicken club at Jim Shortons. It was actually quite spicy, which I like 😉

 

Ok, so what’s been going on for me? I’m getting on! Life has its ups and downs. I feel much more balanced, and content. There are moments when I fear the future, where I have apprehension, concerns, etc. I’ve certainly made some changes – for the better I would suggest. I’ve let go of a lot of fears – that feels pretty good.

 

IMG_6501
Ok, have to brush the snow back before I open the door and get the brush handled scraper thing out. Only need to do this for the next six months! 

 

Of course, I’ve been working out. I got a work out in today before work. The picture below is from the weekendIMG_6527. I also watched a documentary – Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. It’s about an Australian bloke who goes on a 60 day juice fast. Yeh, doesn’t sound very interesting but the guy is highly entertaining, and inspiring. I recommend that you watch it. It has even inspired me to include more fresh fruit and veggies in my diet. I have what I would consider a fairly balanced diet. I eat some junk but typically get plenty of fresh or frozen veggies in too.

Anyway readers, hugs, and Namaste.

 

Comes a Time…..

Hi Bloggers, as you might know, I’ve been reading Neil Young’s autobiography. Comes a Time has always been a favourite of mine. I don’t know what it is exactly, it has a nice mix of sincerity, nostalgia and reflection. A kind of honesty.

There comes a time for all of us. My ex – the T Bird came to tell me they will be here for only another 37 days. I’m trying my hardest to be present as a dad to my kids. A lot of  damage has been done. A lot of animosity has developed based on the situation between their mum and I. IMG_6494 (2)

I’ve spent the last year or so in a sort of holding pattern, knowing that the situation has been destined to be not-sustainable, and having many uncertainties in my life – work, domestic and external. Stuck yet unable to move due to financial constraints, or obligations etc.

I’ve spent a lot of that time looking inward. An examination of myself, if you will. I think this is healthy, to a point. Too much introspection can lead to self doubt and hesitation. I’ve put aside some passions. Making music, song writing, etc. All the while, just hanging on to a thread of whatever it is that keeps us going.

I want to be clear about one thing – I am not complaining, I am not bitter. The journey has been extremely challenging on many levels. At the same time, I have come through this still feeling for the most part like I am being true to myself. I’ve made changes. I’ve learned from some mistakes.

 

IMG_6491 (2)

So I went to gym today. I am doing my light workout – generally more reps and less weight. I did over head press, power cleans, lunges, hi step ups, and chainsaws.

 

Have a good weekend WP readers.

 

Namaste.

 

 

The leap of faith….

Hi Bloggers.

Life is changing for me. This represents risk, and opportunity. I will admit that I am a bit apprehensive. This might not end well.

But then again, it might work out awesome!

Sometimes you have to follow your instincts. Yes, there will be scrapes and bruises. My ego has been and will be further tested. Finances will be strained. Some time ago, my ex and I had made a life changing decision, to separate. The only thing being, we haven’t separated yet. Not entirely anyway. We still live in the same house. We are still pretty much full time parents to our children. We still eat from the same fridge.

There was a time when I was terrified of the possible ramifications of major change. I clung to normality and routine. It was comfortable, but it was not inspiring. I’m not complaining about my past or current situation, it is what it is.

Sometimes, you gotta make a change.

 

Image result for high diver
Current situation…. 

 

 

 

Image result for high diver
I prefer to perform to a crowd… 

 

 

Image result for high diver
Those speedos won’t protect you from a scrape on those rocks. 

+

 

 

Saturday’s workout and other ramblings. SO much to be thankful for!

Sat 9 Sep 2017
Ahhh Bhudda, I hardly know your philosophies, yet at the same time I get it, like in an ignorant westerner looking for spirituality kind of way……

 Hi Bloggers,

Today was leg day. I wore my new long tights I bought on line, so that was a bit of fun. Here’s my workout: Following the general Arnie written split workout deal…. loosely following.

  • Squats: 6 sets of 15, 10, 8, 6, 4, 4.
  • Leg extensions, 5 sets of 10 reps.
  • Leg curls, 6 sets of 15, 10, 8, 8, 6.
  • Sit ups 3 sets of 25, 15, 10.
  • Calf raises, 3 sets of 10.
  • Straight leg deadlift, 3 sets of 10.

It was a good work out.

Sat 9 Sep 2017 2 (2)
Yes, I do like these new tights!

Sat 9 Sep 2017 (2)

BIG NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My daughter hugged me!

It’s her 12th birthday tomorrow. I woke her this morning to ask what she wanted for her birthday. I was kind of surprised, she didn’t even yell at me! So that’s the plan here today, I will be taking her shopping and get something that she would like. One small step for fatherhood, one giant leap for this dad!

I was also reflecting on the past few months. I had a chat with the ex – with kids being noisy in the background, but a chat all the same. Sometimes its good to talk. A few months ago I was really not doing too good. I was struggling a bit. Ok, a lot perhaps. Strangely, within myself I felt pretty good but all around me there was chaos and upset….

All self caused, and I’m ok with that too. Major changes are tough – especially on those around you. I’ve had to modify a few things in my life and I’ve had some learnings about what works and what causes upset. I don’t have any regrets. None. Its just a matter of living and learning and finding your true path.

Me Sat Sep 9 2017
If you see this guy, buy him a coffee, he probably has some stories to tell! Or, maybe let me buy you a coffee. As long as I can blog on your story! 😉

So its probably worth a quick list of the things I am thankful for:

  • I am loved.
  • I have two wonderful healthy children.
  • I have an ex who cares about me.
  • I have a job. It pays well.
  • I have a new boss, and so far the arrangement is very decent.
  • I have my health.
  • I enjoy keeping fit and working out.
  • I have family that cares for me (even if I disappoint sometimes!)
  • I have eyesight.
  • I have mental faculties that allow me to express myself, to write, to draw, to play music, to dance!
  • I have a car, that runs, and its cheap on petrol!
  • I have two wonderful dogs in my life.
  • I could probably keep going but I hear people dry retching so I will quit now!

WordPress readers and bloggers, you get a hug! Namaste.