A blog about the T-bird.

Hi Bloggers,

The T-bird, as I like to call her, is my wife, or ex-wife, or live in mother to my kids, or house-mate, or friend. The fact is, I don’t really know what we are any more. I know we are done being a married couple, and I’m ok with that.

I met her back in 1993. We were at a rodeo in North West Queensland, Australia. I travelled there with some friends, she travelled there with her friends, then, boom, we met. Since then, aside from the past 5 years or so, we’ve been contentedly joined at the hip.

When we met she was pretty, sweet, and sexy. Her blue eyes, pretty face, and lightly tanned complexion were the things that had many guys checking her out. She had a heart of gold, one friend of hers told me, and she was right. She had a wonderful personality. A kind of innocence, we both did, I guess, I was 19 at the time when we met.

For many years, we lived a very happy life together. Finishing apprenticeships, moving to the coast of North Queensland for a life of barrier reef island work and beaches and tropical rain and our horses. We’ve moved a bunch. To go to university, and to support my career moves and need to support a young family.

We travelled a lot, went camping, overseas trip, bought houses, made friends, lived in different towns and cities. It was a good life, all around. Kids came along, and we settled in to the things that young parents do. Cleaning up puke and shitty nappies, and sleepless nights, and also all the wonderful things that come with having kids.

At some point, I realised that things had changed. We were living on the other side of the world. The light that shone within her as a younger woman had faded. I can’t really put my finger on it. I was working long hours on the mine site. She appeared somewhat withdrawn and often cranky. I drifted off, in my own way. The contrast was that I felt like I was coming into my own – physically, career, emotionally, I had become a man in my prime, and I felt like she was in a different head space.

I realised – all the fun in our life seemed to be gone.

I checked out of the marriage. I acted like a rebellious teen. I did things married guys aren’t supposed to do. I was kind of off the rails, in terms of our marriage.

So some time has gone by. My outlook on being married has never really been the same. I still love my wife/ex-wife/housemate/friend, I still care about her. I want her to be happy. I really do. I want her to be safe, and to take care of herself and our kids. She’s been a wonderful companion and partner for many years. I am grateful for her support and friendship. I hope we can continue to be civil and respectful to each other, even though the circumstances are a bit strained.

 

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The T bird. A great friend, mother, and marriage partner. Best wishes, hon. 

 

 

Thankful, and exercising Grace … Never had so much fun!

Grace, I copied the Google definition below.

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Here’s the google definition:

grace
ɡrās/
noun

1.
simple elegance or refinement of movement.
“she moved through the water with effortless grace”
synonyms:
elegance, poise, gracefulness, finesse; More
suppleness, agility, nimbleness, light-footedness

Ok, what’s the point? Well, um, I had to exercise some grace today. I had my work performance review. I got some feedback. Some balanced feedback to be fair. Some good, and some very challenging to accept. But it was not new, my boss is decent and he believes in no surprises when it comes to performance reviews, so I was prepared.

The reflection I had been doing on my own interactions in the world and at work, and my meditations, and recent developments all put me a good place to accept what was discussed, and I hope I did this with grace. When you get some critical feedback, going to defensive mode or lashing out isn’t really the preferred option…..

So I also had a chat with J. She has been many things to me in the past three years (mother, lover, friend, partner in crime). I love her. Things have to change, its all tied together in a work/life/family/situation matrix. I don’t think I can be what she wants me to be at this time and it would be unfair to allow her to believe that my head and heart are in the same place that they once were.

When we are faced with a need for change, and our hearts and minds are not ready to let go, the situation can become tense and even hostile. During our chat tonight, I probably got a little defensive and frustrated. I was busy protecting my ego. She may have expressed some anger and frustration too.

But what we resolved is that we want to remain friends, who support each other. We still have a value to bring to each other, and I think that’s the essence of a good relationship. The distance, the baggage, the complications, the schedules, the emotional upsets, its all too much for the current environment (or headspace?) I’m in, or creating, to be the right fit for us both now, but fuck! we had some fun! Like, really!

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For my friend J, with loving-kindness. 

 

Here’s where I give her credit. She handled it with grace. She referenced god as a being for her, that is both challenging her and supporting her – she is leaning on her spirituality and I think that is a beautiful thing. She’s a kind heart, a wonderful soul, a dedicated mother, and I love her for all that she is.

But my life is changing, and I don’t want to disappoint her, or anyone else really, so I need to give myself and her, some time and space.

J, if you are reading this, you’re a game changer, hon. Thank you, for everything….

 

Musings from a Saskatoon Café…. Changes…

Hi Bloggers,

I had a day off yesterday. I went gym, worked out (overhead press, power cleans, one hand dumbbell rows, lunges, high step ups… good workout 😉 ). I had some downtime in the afternoon. It was a warm day. Full sunshine, very little breeze. No bugs. It was approaching perfect, in the shade.

I had a problem with my bike back wheel hub, so I packed that in the car and drove down to a back street near Broadway. I took the wheel into the shop, and an enthusiastic bike repair guy took my wheel and after putting the special tool into the vice, he cranked the wheel by hand a couple of times, and tightened the nut that keeps the sprocket cassette in one piece. Awesome, job done, I can enjoy my bike again. I asked him ‘what’s the damage’ and he replied, ‘no charge’ (thank you again Bike Doctor!).

So I put the bike wheel back in my car boot, and walked on down (as in the Door’s song – but not walked on down the hall – The End…) to the main part of Broadway. In the summer the city really comes alive. There are hipsters, and bearded guys, lgbt folks, families, immigrants, couples, and all types walking the streets. Its a real parade of people.

The city allows cafes and restaurants to extend their outdoor spaces into the parking lane which makes for a nice outdoors area for the several months a year that this climate allows. Its a real treat. I walked into Museo Café and ordered a latte, and a lime cheesecake slice. I took a spot outside, in the shade. Cars drive by in the lane right next to where I was sitting and it was a little disconcerting because you want to glance up each time a bus or truck or car comes by. I thought maybe facing away from the traffic might have been a better strategy.

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The lime cheesecake was divine. I brought my books with me. I flipped through my borrowed copy of ‘Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.’ I’m so inspired by this book I bought my boss a copy as his going away gift. I sure hope he reads it and applies some of the many simple lessons in loving-kindness and inner peace.

So I am going through some changes. We are all going through changes. Change is inevitable. Change is the only constant. One of the simple anecdotal lessons or whatever is the in the book. It says there is a Buddhist teaching (apologising to any Buddhist practitioners that I might offend by my interpretation) … it says that everything comes from something, it is made or formed, and it will return to nothing in time. For instance, a glass may be a glass now, but at some time it was sand or whatever, and in the future it will return to shattered glass, dust or maybe even be recycled to something else. The point is that everything will break, degrade and return to some other state.

We are all temporary, all our belongings are temporary, nothing is absolutely permanent. This provides us with a way of coming to terms with the changes in our lives. I copied the lyrics to David Bowie’s ‘Changes’ because I think that might sum up the situation pretty good right now.

I am grateful for those who have helped me, and continue to help me in my journey. I am remorseful for any harm I have done in any of my actions. I have some work to do as an individual, I am not yet fully developed in some aspects of life.

Hugs to all. Hands to heart centre. The light in me honours the light in you. Namaste.

saskatoon cafe 15 Jul 2017

Source MetroLyrics http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/davidbowie/changes.html

“Changes” David Bowie

I still don’t know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
And every time I thought I’d got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I’ve never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I’m much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Don’t want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They’re quite aware of what they’re going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Don’t tell them to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Where’s your shame
You’ve left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can’t trace time

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace
I’m going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Oh, look out you rock ‘n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Pretty soon now you’re gonna get older
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can’t trace time

Happy 150th Birthday Canada, doing Moose Jaw in a Man Thong and Hula Skirt….

Hi Bloggers,

Yesterday, Canada turned 150 years old, so it was a big one. I also had a reason to celebrate – I became a Canadian in this year too, back in March.

So, how does a guy  celebrate such an epic milestone that encompasses both the national significance, as well as a great personal development journey that I am currently experiencing? Well, conventional wisdom would suggest that you do something mature, something cultured, perhaps have a dinner party, or enjoy the fireworks display from a multi storey building where there is a cocktail party being held.

Well, that’s not me! Fuck that. The only thing I could think of was to go to the dollar store, and create an outfit made almost entirely of Canada day decorations, or other novelty materials that you can buy there. So the search began.

We went to one cheap outlet in Moose Jaw. They didn’t have much but I did pick up a hat and a Canada towel in the form of a flag. This could be termed a tolag, or a fowel if you prefer. Anyway, that was the start of the ensemble. We got some directions from a lady who told us to go to the Dollar Store. We headed back to our camp and jumped in the car to go find it.

I imagined an outfit made of happy Canada day tape or ribbons, or those flags on a string kind of thing. I ended up with a red hula skirt, a couple of key ring maple leaf/Canada flag things, and a thing you put around your neck to hold them, and a red and a white plastic lay for around my neck. This was topped off with a silly Canada cap that had moose horns coming out of it.

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I already had my red man thong in my bag so that was the natural choice for underwear. I was pretty nervous when I got into this thing to realise that the hula skirt was um, not providing too much coverage. More of a teaser really and you could see my arse no trouble at all! I think it was the perfect length too! Kinda short. I felt just a bit slutty. The whole deal was sealed with a few strategically placed Canada type tattoo transfers you get from the store. I was ready to rock-it! How did it feel? Breezy, light, and um, very bare! 

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So we drove to the main park where the festivities were happening. There was a band playing and there were lots and lots of people there and I was quite nervous getting out of the car and walking on the foot path up the street to the park. Pretty much as soon as I got out of the car, a few people had already tooted their horns! But this is not the sort of thing you can half-do, so I continued on, feigning an air of confidence.

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So there were some reactions! Some people smirked, some laughed, some people just looked in (horror/amazement/unbridled lust?). I  had people fist pump the air and I had people come up and say hi and shake my hand and chat. One lady came up to talk to me with her husband and wanted to see if I had anything underneath my hula skirt. I was able to demonstrate that no equipment was going to be displayed that should not be in such a setting.

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We settled in for a bit. We played Frisbee, grooved to a band, and watched the overhead jets make three passes of the park. It was a fun day and certainly outside my normal ‘comfort level’ activity (disclaimer, that’s a pretty wide berth right there, because there is a lot of shit that I would do that others would probably not attempt). 

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Generally speaking, it was a bit of fun, and that’s how people reacted, a mix of amusement and general curiosity. But then, that’s what Canada is all about – being free to be yourself.

Happy Canada day!

 

Changing the channel….

Hi Bloggers,

So I’m changing things up. Its been a fairly interesting time with the changing situation in my domestic life. It’s just not working. I don’t need to get into details or disrespect anyone, I just need to say that my life is changing, and I’m ok with it.

There’s a ton of stuff to work through, but it will all happen in good time. Meanwhile, I am very grateful for the people who have emerged in my life in a challenging time to be there to support me, to listen, and to provide some good feedback.

This week, I’m going camping. A chance to get away from all the stuff that is going on, and to just chill. When I get back, I will be moving to another place to live. Probably a house share deal or something like that. My immediate family will be heading back to Australia in December. I will miss my kids, and I hope things work out well for my wife.

I’ll probably be out of the loop for a week or so, unless I can find a terminal or laptop or something.

And, don’t worry, I feel great!

Image result for waskesiu camping
Source Flickr

 

Blossom – the daily prompt

via Daily Prompt: Blossom

Blossom, conjures images of spring, flowers, that wonderful feint aroma of delicate fragrances that emanate from the garden. Not like the overpowering assault on the nasal passage that you get when you pass by the perfume counters at department stores, something much more organic, and subtle.

My garden is blossoming. Its wonderful to see the flowers, with their colours and textures, as they bob in the breeze, their stems resisting the tension placed on them by the breeze, oscillating, back and forth, a natural spring and damper system at work, somewhat like a young engineer might study in class, yet immensely more beautiful and powerful than a clinical diagram of a spring and a piston, accompanied by a differential equation in mechanical mathematics.

The insects fly around, intoxicated by the heady aromas, they are in a frenzy of pollen collecting and incidental fertilization of the plants. They are driven, by perhaps millions of years of evolution, instinctively drawn to the sweetness in the flowers. For them, its a about survival. The birds, they too are drawn to these wonders of nature. The bugs provide a tempting game, and the garden provides the ideal environment for their quarry.

A blossom is like a woman’s sex. Layers and folds of wonderful promise. Changing in texture, and shape, and fullness. As the birds and insects are drawn, so is a man to this wonderful creation. The subtle sensations, the taste, the smell, its all just part of natures plan. It’s an intoxicating blend of pheromones and pleasant smells, and the taste, it can be so subtle, delicate, organic, orgasmic!

A person can blossom too, as they grow, their personalities are revealed. Sometimes challenged, sometimes humble, sometimes the aggressor, always evolving with experience. All wonderfully unique.

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The Date Stamp

So I sign a lot of invoices. One of the office staff gave me a date stamp. I think this might have been because she had watched me sign one invoice, check the date on the computer, write the date on the invoice, then sign another invoice, and have to check the date again on my computer, and so on and so forth, for about a dozen invoices at a time….

This thing is awesome. Such a simple thing. So much simple fun!

 

stamp

stamp 2

Create – Daily Prompt

 

via Daily Prompt: Create

Create havoc.

Create space.

Create a mess.

Create an album.

Create a masterpiece.

Create a big pile of shit.

CREATE an acronym:

Custard Reloading Engaging Artificial Testosterone Erections

Contagious Religion Enters Absolute Tantric Energy

Cadavers Revived Energy Association Tent Embassy

Create the universe.

Create a myth.

Create dysfunction.

Create tension.

Create conflict.

Create life.

Image result for create

 

 

Listening to the Universe, becoming a receiver…

Do you ever listen to the Universe? I’m not religious, but I am spiritual. Some may feel tempted to debate that, to suggest that my atheism is something less than the certified, pasteurised, homogenized, documented and well established religions…. but, being human, and being on this planet, and being self aware, I am capable of feelings and thoughts of my own in terms of my own spirituality.

When you are going through life, sometimes we are looking for direction, sometimes we are looking for answers. Sometimes we are just experiencing, and we get subliminal or even obvious messages in various forms. Sometimes, you don’t get an answer or you get a new question. When you become more aware of this possibility, you become, a receiver….

Image result for the universe

Forgiveness – Letting go of blame. A contribution to forgivingjournal….

Hi bloggers, through the magic of WordPress, you get to interact with other wonderful people out there. I stumbled across a really nice blog site called forgivingjournal, and was invited (or is that I insisted?) on writing a piece in contribution. In any case, here is the link to Debbie’s blogsite: forgivingjournal.

Ok, so, forgiveness, forgiving. That’s pretty much the theme of this wonderful blog site. It’s potentially a loaded gun, forgiveness, to blog about I mean. It’s because how do you like, explain how you are forgiving someone for something, without implicating them of some sort of wrong doing? I’m not judging in any way, we are all on our own journey, and I feel that there are things that I am ok with blogging about, and things that I feel I need to protect others’ privacy on.

For instance, I can’t say, I forgive my wife for being angry at me for doing something I did, and she feels entirely justified in her anger, because I did something to or against her. She’ll read this, and I’ll be in the shit, so I’m not going to do this.

Similar for my family, or others close to me. I don’t want to air my dirty laundry (any more than I already do on WP), its just too loaded. It’s too raw, too emotional.

Here’s what I can say:

I forgive myself, for being human, for doing stupid regrettable things, for embarrassing myself (actually still doing things that yield this result, I call that life). Forgiving oneself, and accepting ourselves as we are is extremely powerful and liberating.

I forgive others, who at times I have been angry and resentful towards. Often times, I have realised that this anger and resentment is really just a reflection or projection of my own insecurities and things that I have not resolved within myself. There are some good Buddhist type quotes along the lines of if you hold on to your anger, you will be the one that suffers. It affects you more than anyone else. Holding on to anger is like holding a hot coal, it is you who gets burned.

Meditation helps. If I am carrying some negative energy about a situation or a person, often if I meditate on that, I can allow those feelings of anger or resentment to resolve, to be put into perspective.

That, to me, is forgiveness.