So I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection lately. Open, honest with self type of reflection. This is the time when you ask yourself the big picture questions. I am often asked ‘what do I really want?’ The reality is that I’m not really sure.
I know that I want peace and harmony. Reality is that my life choices have not necessarily lent themselves to a life of peace and harmony, based on how those choices have affected those around me. The reality is that I make choices, either consciously or out of habit that lead to generally bad outcomes.
Things at home, aren’t really great. We’ve done all the fighting, broken cups, tears, frustration, counselling, name calling, yelling, door slamming, avoiding, heading out of the house, kicking me out, etc. Like really, we’ve had the whole fucking enchilada.
A couple of things out of that. Firstly, I still love my wife. She can argue that this isn’t love and yady-ya. The bottom line is that its not working out because she can’t accept me for what I am and what I feel I need out of life. Thankfully, we are still talking, and living in the same house, and we went for a bike ride this afternoon and we are sort of generally ok, for now. Its actually a massive relief – we were just talking about it then (as I am writing this), she and I are making plans to both get on with moving forward (separately). I have no reservations about that. I want her to be happy. Really.
So… ok that seems fair enough. So what’s the problem. Um, well, I have to live in the real world, and the real world has other people in it. Now that shouldn’t be a big deal, right? Well it gets a bit sticky when you combine my exuberant personality… and other people. Especially when they know what’s up with my private personal life, because I’ve never made much effort to hide my other activities. This has lead to what I consider some harsh judgement. Its not against the ‘rules’ as such but people judge.
Ok, so this isn’t about blame, and I have to own my actions. I would rather been seen as a straight up solid citizen, but the reality is that my lifestyle choices/personality type don’t necessarily gel with the expectations of others. Perhaps I have been too friendly or engaging and some people take that the wrong way, or whatever that means. I have discovered that once a person is known to be seeing someone outside their marriage, an automatic response would seem to be suspicion and lack of trust. I get that. I have probably been a bit naive (just too friendly, open and honest???), and engaged in conversations that I probably shouldn’t have.
So I have to take the feedback. I want to do better. I am not out to upset people and ruin my reputation (any further) at work. I have engaged a counselling service, and I have reached out for some discussion with a colleague in a leadership position who I can share openly with. Someone I can be vulnerable and truthful with. I also rely on the women in my life that I am close to for that feedback and discussion that helps me steer in what is hopefully the right direction.