So I’d like to think I have my shit together. I like to present a ‘front’ of composed coolness or whatever. Competency, professionalism, assertiveness. Most of the time I think I pull this off fairly well. Should be easy, right? Early forties, educated, sexy as fk (did I just write that??).
Well sometimes, actually all the time lately, it feels like my mojo has been off a bit. Where do I even start? I’m determined not to make this some kind of whiny I-blame-the-world-’cause-my-shits-not-straight kind of post. No fuck that. I am the architect of my own demise in the outcomes that I have cultivated. I don’t have any regrets, none. I’ve done some stupid shit, and some random shit, and had a lot of fun with it too.
So lets take stock real quick: marriage? In the ditch. Kids? Despise me. Work? Awesome except that my boss thinks I’m some sort of HR liability in relation to my work associations with female colleagues. What else, um, money? Broke, and going backwards, which is somewhat of an irony based on the fact that I am earning more money than I ever have in my life. My debts aren’t even bad debts, they are real estate debts, but the house we bought 8 years ago is in a one industry town and no work there so its not going to sell and the rent is about half of the mortgage. My wife just finished up her job and so now is officially unemployed. Did NOT need that.
Yet somehow, almost unbelievably, I feel happy. Even despite the challenges that I am facing, I’m happy in a don’t-give-a-fuck kind of a way. I am finding a tremendous freedom in being me, and not complying to the expectations of others. I warn you readers, this does not come without risk. Self-realisation comes with a price. Your partner might think what the fuck are you doing? You’re boss might be planning a few uncomfortable chats with you. Your parents might be tsk tsking.
What I found out is, even though your thoughts, actions and general direction in life might not be to all the people in your life’s liking, I have found, through discussion with others, that some people will appreciate you for who you are, and what you are doing.
I’m either going through some mid life metamorphosis, where I’m going to come out of this with a stronger resolve, a wiser mind, a more accepting heart and mind, or…. I’m completely fucking my life up.
To be honest, it could be either.