Accepting what is…

So I’d like to think I have my shit together. I like to present a ‘front’ of composed coolness or whatever. Competency, professionalism, assertiveness. Most of the time I think I pull this off fairly well. Should be easy, right? Early forties, educated, sexy as fk (did I just write that??).

Well sometimes, actually all the time lately, it feels like my mojo has been off a bit. Where do I even start? I’m determined not to make this some kind of whiny I-blame-the-world-’cause-my-shits-not-straight kind of post. No fuck that. I am the architect of my own demise in the outcomes that I have cultivated. I don’t have any regrets, none. I’ve done some stupid shit, and some random shit, and had a lot of fun with it too.

So lets take stock real quick: marriage? In the ditch. Kids? Despise me. Work? Awesome except that my boss thinks I’m some sort of HR liability in relation to my work associations with female colleagues. What else, um, money? Broke, and going backwards, which is somewhat of an irony based on the fact that I am earning more money than I ever have in my life. My debts aren’t even bad debts, they are real estate debts, but the house we bought 8 years ago is in a one industry town and no work there so its not going to sell and the rent is about half of the mortgage. My wife just finished up her job and so now is officially unemployed. Did NOT need that.

Yet somehow, almost unbelievably, I feel happy. Even despite the challenges that I am facing, I’m happy in a don’t-give-a-fuck kind of a way. I am finding a tremendous freedom in being me, and not complying to the expectations of others. I warn you readers, this does not come without risk. Self-realisation comes with a price. Your partner might think what the fuck are you doing? You’re boss might be planning a few uncomfortable chats with you. Your parents might be tskThere are often people I'd love to be able to tell this to, but I am wise enough to know better than to try telling this to someone unwilling to listen. Check: http://www.illulife.com/ for more!: tsking.

What I found out is, even though your thoughts, actions and general direction in life might not be to all the people in your life’s liking, I have found, through discussion with others, that some people will appreciate you for who you are, and what you are doing.

I’m either going through some mid life metamorphosis, where I’m going to come out of this with a stronger resolve, a wiser mind, a more accepting heart and mind, or…. I’m completely fucking my life up.

To be honest, it could be either.

Leave, change or accept, but stop complaining: So if you asked me, whether I am worried about the future, I’d say, no. I’m not worried about the future at all. That’s because I see opportunity in challenge. Opportunity for personal growth. Opportunity for reflection. Opportunity to correct mistakes and wrongs I have made. Opportunity to make a new start. Opportunity to make amends with those who I have hurt. So if you look at it that way, the apprehension that we might hold due to the unknowns that we will face in the future suddenly becomes excitement. There are so many people in this world doing remarkable brave, scary and exciting things. I don’t see any reason to sit on my arse and complain and miss out on making my life what I want it to be. So I’m accepting. Maybe even embracing the current challenges I have. There are so many good things in life. World, you get a big hug. Peace.